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Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”