Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
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Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice