If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
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My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way