COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
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Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral