I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
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I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
how do y’all walk in shallow water
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.