“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
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When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
There are usually two types of merchants.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence