Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
You Might Also Like
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
It鈥檚 not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
I鈥檓 glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don鈥檛 want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 馃憖
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent鈥檚 confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that鈥檚 what i鈥檓 trying to do. poison them.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.