AM I BEING GASLIT????
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Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
So inspired right now.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Friends that check up on you >
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY