the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
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I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”