Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
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An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
She puts the hot in psychotic
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
A collection of me turning into random objects.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you