Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
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eggs benadryl
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.