Xylophonist Shredding It
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I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.