Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
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On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me: