professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
You Might Also Like
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
real
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
i could never be president. im overqualified.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure