Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
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*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
WTF
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?