The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
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Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.