me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
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My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
everyone’s a critic
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far