Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
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I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
Don’t make me out nice you.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Oh boy, $150,000!
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did