Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
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Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
This January has 47 Mondays
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”