LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
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🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair