Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
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can’t talk my ride’s here
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
g
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”