Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
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They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Generation gap…
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.