I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
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Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.