I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
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When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Care for your back
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.