I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
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I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Guantanamo Bae
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)