On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
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[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.