Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
You Might Also Like
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]