The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
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“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.