Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
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I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs