Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
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If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Smells like a challenge to me
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears