North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
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It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
My what?
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.