Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
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Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?