Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
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My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
You know I’m something of a chef myself
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
i wish i could marry a nap
wtf is a larm clock?
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?