Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
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Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*