it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
You Might Also Like
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
his wife is probably gonna see that
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung