“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
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Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.