I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
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*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Brother?
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Erm I’m gonna say no