On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
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I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Stop it! 😂
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
New comic up. “Ransom”
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.