Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
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The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.