Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
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to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
so i’m at the stock market right
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”