BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
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[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
*puts my mental health in rice
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
those birds must be on payroll
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now