Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
You Might Also Like
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people