🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
You Might Also Like
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Okay, I’m still confused…
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it