I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
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it was love at first sight
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
this is the news I live for
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
I love you to the refrigerator and back
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence