When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
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I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude