Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
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Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Pikachu found the lost joint
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
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Going to pronounce fecal like decal
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.