Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
You Might Also Like
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”