Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
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my one true gender
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us