My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
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would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend: