What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
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I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up